Listening In

I'm at the library, listening to some 18 or so year old guy tutor a 14 year old boy in math (those are my age guesses, both could be a year or four older or younger). They're both wearing basketball shorts and backwards baseball caps over shaggy summer hair. The younger kid is idolizing the older one, and the older is rolling in the adoration of a fan, and regaling him with stories of college life (good ol' CCCC, taking courses at Harvard on the Hill). He slept through his class this morning. College history is all essays. College English sucks. His teachers hate him... I'm chuckling to myself about how much this older kid is trying to impress the younger one, and trying hard not to giggle out loud at how hard he's trying to sound worldly.

I Wonder

Who decided that blue was blue and red was red? Why do the people I love drive me so crazy? What will my life be like in 1, 5, 10, 20…50 years? Will everything work out? Am I ever going to find a job? Who decides what words are cool? Does everyone feel this way? Am I crazy? Are you crazy? Why aren’t I more patient? Why do people think I’m so much nicer than I actually am? How come I can’t say no? Shouldn’t my life be focused more outside my books? Am I ever going to be able to go back to school? Will things really work out with B? How come my creative impulses never work out the way I want them to? Why am I so afraid? Could I actually make a living doing something I love to do? Why am I so anti-social when my studies focus on social interactions? Am I really cut out for academia? Will I be a good mother? Will I be a good wife? Am I going to make it? Am I ever going to get a job? What is my purpose in life? Where will I live? How can I be a better person? Am I too stubborn? Should I chop all my hair off? Why can’t I seem to lose this weight? Why don’t I sing anymore? Does anyone have all the answers? Why does our family still use so many of our baby words when we’re all in our 20s and teens? Why does water taste so good some places and so bad others? Will I ever learn? Can I make it on my own? Can I manage my finances so I can get out of debt and not get into any more? Am I losing my faith? What if I do? Is it possible to pay off my student loans in the next two years? Do people miss me as much as I miss them? Will I ever be able to afford to go to Europe/Australia/Asia? Why are foreign languages so hard for me to learn? How come I can’t roll my R’s? Do people honestly wear the things that come down the runways and are in the high fashion magazines? Why are certain family members so obsessed with the idea of a hope chest? Who decides what are good manners and bad? Who decides what’s tacky? Do people honestly believe those crazy things? Why do I believe those crazy things? Do I believe? Do I ask too many questions? Is there such a thing? Do I worry too much? Why do I worry so much? How does electricity work? Why do trends recycle themselves? What’s the difference between a turtle and a tortoise? How come some people never get sick? What are my talents? Why is paisley such a popular motif? Will people ever live in Antarctica? Why are people so cruel? How can things like the Holocaust happen? Will I get any mail today? Why do I care so much? Do I suffocate the people I love? How does the Musical Road work? How did they figure out how to get airplanes up in the air?

I Hate

bugs. spiders. dead birds. peas. pessimism. children who are never told no. arrogance. closed-minded-ness. extreme laziness. needless criticism. cruelty. wearing flip-flops to church. poseurs. people who talk about money all the time. people who refuse to learn. destruction of books. avoidance of topics because they might be unpleasant. people who shelter their children too much and criticize others because they don't shelter their children as much. goatheads. black licorice. cheetos. strawberries. falling down. being sick. email forwards. losing touch with good friends. growing up. impatience. bad drivers. diving. snakes. assumptions. ecological preaching. political lecturing. bigotry. resistance to appropriate change. people who never ever act their age. failure. feet. people touching my feet. being tickled. being poked. too much ice in my fountain drink. when things freeze in the refrigerator. slimy vegetables. 11 year old boys. mustard. unmelted cheese. the word maxi. the word slacks. the word blouse. incorrect grammar. improper punctuation. people who deny problems. ticking clocks. dripping water. guns. violence in movies and real life. being late.

Self Improvement

There are two things I would like to do.

First, blog more. I've become way lax in that aspect of my life. Other aspects, including letter writing, job applying, cousin playing with, ice cream eating and book reading, I'm all over those.

Second, I've become one of those people who when someone says they like what I'm wearing, I tell them exactly where I bought it and how much I paid for it, even if it was purchased three years ago on the clearance rack at Ross. (For example.) I want to stop this. It annoys me when other people do it, and therefore I want to stop.

Overheard

"You know this is why I don't read. There's just too many books. I don't know where to start and I wouldn't know where to stop."

-Woman in the library with a small child by the hand

Thoughts on Coming Back (and other things)

• Ridgecrest doesn't feel like home anymore either. I feel like I don't have a home. Maybe when I find a job, it will be better?
• Last week, there was a horse tied to the bike rack outside of the drug store.
  
• There are too many bugs here and they are far too big.
• Sometimes, having your mother and aunts on facebook is not much fun.
• B's gone. I don't have his box number, so I can't write to him yet. It's hard and weird and I keep forgetting and waiting for him to call. I'm not sure how I'm going to survive right now.
• I miss having friends around all the time.
• My friend Andrea's dad teaches the institute class (Mormon high school students attend seminary, college age and above attend institute if they want). Oh boy. He knows way too much about me. I'm used to having my teachers not know anything about me. He gave a five minute introduction including all sorts of facts I didn't know he knew.
  

ouch

I'm moving back to Ridgecrest next week. It's currently temporary; I need to get out of Nevada and my grandparents love me, but if I find a job (which my slightly odd uncle swears I can on base, even though I'm completely un-scientifically inclined), it may become permanent. Or at least for the next 150 weeks or so. I actually just made a quick trip down there to pick up my cousin to go back to school (or to the half way point. my family makes everything complicated) and had a marvelous time. My cousins and other relations are awesome (if complicated) and we had a blast. I cannot tell you how much I've missed real Mexican food. We went to the park for three hours yesterday and got terrific sunburns (which were worsened by the drive home today. ouch.) and were involved in a great story involving Upjohn Park, a whole bunch of three and four year olds, and poop, which may or may not be forthcoming at a later date.

The Bucket List

I'm working on a list of 100 things to do before I die. I've been working on it for a couple months, and I'm stuck at 72. So I'm looking for ideas. What's on your list of things to do? Any ideas of what I should do?

You can see my list as is here.


PS: Yeah, I gave up on National Optimism Month. I just wasn't feeling it and couldn't fake it.

1. I love noticing random little things in movies and things that I've never noticed. For example, I'm watching season one of Gilmore Girls yet again, and I just noticed that Suki's wearing crocs (or something like them, were there crocs in 1999) in at least one scene. I know, it's completely random and pointless and I have no idea why I noticed. But it's kind of a Suki thing to wear. Fashion concious, but more concerned with comfort and not injuring herself worse than her normal clutziness.
2. It was a beautiful day today! I wore capris and short sleeves and sandals. Of course, I slipped (on the perfectly dry, flat, clean sidewalk, explain that one to me) and fell and scraped my leg all up because I was wearing capris. But the sun! And the warmth! Seriously, it's after 10, and my weather bug thingy on my desktop says it's still 63 degrees.
3. Umm...third good thing...umm...B got his plane tickets today for his flight to his mission. Well, to the training center. As of May 11th, I will be officially waiting for a missionary. Wow.
   

trying to be happy

1. I wrote a letter to my cousin who's in training to be a military police person. We used to talk once a week or so, but haven't in ages and he's been in training for several weeks and so I had things to tell him. Or at least things to ramble about, at least. Plus I got a hold of...umm...his fiance? Girlfriend? The mother of his daughter, although I'm not sure how they're terming their relationship these days. It fluctuates. Anyways, I got a hold of her and got his address. So I wrote. Yay letters. :)
2. We had bacon, lettuce, tomato and avocado sandwiches for dinner tonight. Yum yum yum yum!
3. I finally told B about this blog last night and gave him the link. I don't know if he's going to read it or not (hi, if you are!), but I realized he didn't know about it, and I wasn't really keeping it a secret, just purposely not telling him I had a blog when they came up in conversation. If that makes any sense.

Sometimes I think I share too much.

this is for you, sharon :)